Subject: ESPN Primetime College Football Telecasts
1. Though it has been said here and elsewhere many times, it still bears repeating: the demotion of Ron Franklin to the purgatorial recesses of ESPN2 is one of the dumbest things the World Wide Leader has done in a while. Replacing him with Mike Patrick was nearly as dumb, but that decision lacks the faithlessness and mean spiritedness of the Franklin ouster, so it does not inspire true outrage.
2. ESPN's college primetime telecasts are much like dates with the insecure woman who fears silence and therefore prattles incessantly to fill the void (perhaps men do this too, but I have never dated any so I will leave that to others). ESPN's raison d'etre seems to be to fill the void between plays with as much #badword# as they can cram into a 25 second interval. It is the aural and visual equivalent of 15 pounds of rocks in the 10 pound bag. Thus, the constant blathering of Rece Davis (who used to be good -- what the #badword# has happened to him) while 3 smallish rectangles fill the screen so you can watch two Pac 10 teams huddle, a stock car race, and who the #badword# knows else, while Rece feigns interest in a pitching change in the American League playoffs. Scoring updates and highlights from other college football games of interest are fine. But, frankly, I would rather see the teams in the game I am actually watching break the huddle and take their formations, change them, etc. Dear Mr. Producer: there is more to the play than the snap. We are big boys and girls. We won't go channel surfing if you elect not to treat us like 5 year olds with some exponential version of ADD. On the plus side, this limits the time one has to listen to Mike Patrick, but who created that problem? (See #1 above).
3. I have a suggestion for the next "Todd Blackledge shoots for the high cholesterol record" segment. Have him choke on a piece of gravy soaked steak or something. Or have him actually complain about poor food quality so the chef can emerge enraged and take a meat cleaver to him. Now, that would be some watchable reality TV there. I have eaten meals in restaurants in college towns all over the country, and I don't think Todd is necessarily telling the truth in every instance. Downside: more air time for Patrick. Maybe it's not such a good suggestion after all. Alternatively, perhaps Blackledge can get a really awful case of food poisoning and spend the evening wretching all over the booth and his colleague. It would be interesting to see if anyone could tell the difference.
4. The Muschamp open mike episode on Saturday night has me thinking about an approach that ESPN can employ to make their feeble halftime show more entertaining, if not informative. The network should expand on the Lou Holtz Thursday night "pep talk" and complement it with a Saturday night Lou Holtz "ass chewing" for some team that screwed the pooch that day. Since the recipients of Lou's faux pep talks seem to be losing these days, he can chew out the same team, when his Thursday night team spits the bit. Don't tell me that having Lou lisp fbomb after compund vulgarity upon the LSU player who got the roughing the passer penalty in OT against Kentucky wouldn't be high quality surreal TV. Bonus: Lou doesn't have to analyze any games and, in a relative measure, preserves some of his waning dignity.
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Subject: ESPN Primetime College Football Telecasts
1. Though it has been said here and elsewhere many times, it still bears repeating: the demotion of Ron Franklin to the purgatorial recesses of ESPN2 is one of the dumbest things the World Wide Leader has done in a while. Replacing him with Mike Patrick was nearly as dumb, but that decision lacks the faithlessness and mean spiritedness of the Franklin ouster, so it does not inspire true outrage.
2. ESPN's college primetime telecasts are much like dates with the insecure woman who fears silence and therefore prattles incessantly to fill the void (perhaps men do this too, but I have never dated any so I will leave that to others). ESPN's raison d'etre seems to be to fill the void between plays with as much #badword# as they can cram into a 25 second interval. It is the aural and visual equivalent of 15 pounds of rocks in the 10 pound bag. Thus, the constant blathering of Rece Davis (who used to be good -- what the #badword# has happened to him) while 3 smallish rectangles fill the screen so you can watch two Pac 10 teams huddle, a stock car race, and who the #badword# knows else, while Rece feigns interest in a pitching change in the American League playoffs. Scoring updates and highlights from other college football games of interest are fine. But, frankly, I would rather see the teams in the game I am actually watching break the huddle and take their formations, change them, etc. Dear Mr. Producer: there is more to the play than the snap. We are big boys and girls. We won't go channel surfing if you elect not to treat us like 5 year olds with some exponential version of ADD. On the plus side, this limits the time one has to listen to Mike Patrick, but who created that problem? (See #1 above).
3. I have a suggestion for the next "Todd Blackledge shoots for the high cholesterol record" segment. Have him choke on a piece of gravy soaked steak or something. Or have him actually complain about poor food quality so the chef can emerge enraged and take a meat cleaver to him. Now, that would be some watchable reality TV there. I have eaten meals in restaurants in college towns all over the country, and I don't think Todd is necessarily telling the truth in every instance. Downside: more air time for Patrick. Maybe it's not such a good suggestion after all. Alternatively, perhaps Blackledge can get a really awful case of food poisoning and spend the evening wretching all over the booth and his colleague. It would be interesting to see if anyone could tell the difference.
4. The Muschamp open mike episode on Saturday night has me thinking about an approach that ESPN can employ to make their feeble halftime show more entertaining, if not informative. The network should expand on the Lou Holtz Thursday night "pep talk" and complement it with a Saturday night Lou Holtz "ass chewing" for some team that screwed the pooch that day. Since the recipients of Lou's faux pep talks seem to be losing these days, he can chew out the same team, when his Thursday night team spits the bit. Don't tell me that having Lou lisp fbomb after compund vulgarity upon the LSU player who got the roughing the passer penalty in OT against Kentucky wouldn't be high quality surreal TV. Bonus: Lou doesn't have to analyze any games and, in a relative measure, preserves some of his waning dignity.
5. Just as it is rude to invite guests over to your place and then talk on the phone with someone else while they are there, instead of intereacting with them, so too it is rude to ignore the game while you talk on the phone with the coach of the week for five minutes. The only redeeming feature of the teenaged length phone call between Mike/Todd and Coach Leavitt of S.Fla. was that it infuriated UF fans more than AU fans. If you guys call Nick Saban on Saturday during the AU v. LSU game, you will be killed. The only question will be what color the killer Tiger fan is wearing.
6. If we are going to have to endure tight shots of Mike and Todd in the booth, could someone require Mike to get his teeth fixed, please? Alternatively, he should be transferred to do futbol on ESPN Deportes, as he would have instant appeal for an English Premier League audience, as a result of his crooked smile. This would allow ESPN to ...
7. BRING BACK RON FRANKLIN. Ed Cunningham can come, too.
Still working on the details,
IJR
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Still working on the details,
IJR
