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1. Auburn won the football game, by Spencer
All of the following elements must be present in an Auburn win over Alabama:
- National championship stakes
- Someone on Auburn with a nickname like “Boobie”
- Controversy involving one second on the clock
- A missed Alabama field goal attempt
- Accusations of something like cheating
- Someone getting stuck in the bushes trying to storm the field
Perhaps someone reading this is thinking: Well, that last one requires all the others to occur first.
About that:
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With the protection of the very real Auburn Jesus shielding me from harm, here’s some heresy: This year’s Iron Bowl was more entertaining than the Kick Six game.
The Kick Six game had pacing issues. It simmered at low for three quarters before a lighting strike. It was a normal game — until it absolutely wasn’t.
The 2019 game contained three or four different Iron Bowls. The Jaylen Waddle Game, when the Alabama receiver went the hell off for three receiving TDs and a 98-yard kickoff return, is in there. The Mac Jones Saga happened too, a story of the less-celebrated backup to injured star Tua Tagovailoa making huge mistakes but keeping Alabama in the game. There was the Bo Nix Story, when a freshman legacy lived up to the moment.
The second quarter alone is its own film, with 48 total points, huge momentum swings, turnovers, and a deeply ironic callback to previous installments: an Auburn field goal after one second went back on the clock.
A story with that many characters can be confusing and lack a coherent theme. Fortunately, Auburn provided one: Being just extra enough to win. The Tigers scored 14 points off pick sixes, including a wild carom off Najee Harris’ back in Bama’s end zone. Anders Carlson’s four field goals all came from 43 yards or more, including that crucial 52-yarder at the close of the first half. Nix only hit 50% of his passes overall, yet somehow all of them when Auburn needed them most, including three circus catches on a single drive in the second quarter, like this balletic TD catch by Sal Cannella.
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Alabama, meanwhile, uncharacteristically failed at the details. Alabama outgained Auburn by 161 yards, but handed the Tigers 14 points on turnovers. The Tide had more penalties and penalty yardage, keeping two Auburn drives alive and giving 15 yards to the Tigers’ offense on their game-winning drive.
Another 2019 Iron Bowl tied all of those other 2019 Iron Bowls together, combining the best of Auburn’s inspired skullduggery with the worst of Alabama’s flustering.
Bama was set to get the ball back with a minute left. They lost that chance when Gus Malzahn pulled off a mean but completely legal trick to fool Alabama into putting 12 men on the field. The Tide got hit with a substitution infraction on fourth-and-four, giving Auburn the first down and chance to run out the clock.
Nick Saban called the tactic “unfair” in his postgame press conference, which is wild coming from the coach of the era’s most overstocked pool of talent. Alabama’s offense has four NFL wide receivers on the field. They lost a Heisman candidate QB and replaced him with a backup most other programs would call a starter. The Tide field a three-deep full of blue-chip recruits every Saturday, and in a lot of weeks, get all of them playing time in blowouts against overmatched competition. Based on the box scores, the definition of unfair is “playing Alabama.”
Losing a game on penalty bait Malzahn probably last pulled off against an Arkansas high school is not unfair. It’s just consistent character writing.
Six years ago, Alabama lost because they put one back on the clock, then forgot one back in the end zone. This time, Auburn won because they tricked Alabama into putting one too many on the field.
That’s not “unfair.” That’s just straight-up funny. And as always, what looks like mayhem is just Auburn being Auburn.
P.S. Someone please go dig Aunt Patsy out of the hedges.
2. The North Central Cardinals and West Florida Argonauts, by Jason
We must also recognize NCC for delivering Division III monster Mount Union its earliest playoff exit since 1994 — the Cardinals have multiple assistant coaches who were barely alive the last time the Purple Raiders had been sent packing this early.
Meanwhile, the Argos knocked off Division II’s undefeated top seed and defending national champ, the Valdosta State Blazers.
Did every other division of college football become a little more Auburn on this day, or did Auburn tap into the powers of its underdog brethren? The answer is probably yes.
3a. That Ole Miss player whose penalty helped decide the Egg Bowl wasn’t even pretending to be dog-peeing, by Alex
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Elijah Moore had just scored a touchdown at the end of a long game against a rival. He might’ve had a hip cramp. Leg raises are key to any lower-body conditioning regimen.
3b. That Ole Miss Player was definitely pretending to be dog-peeing, by Spencer
If Elijah Moore had a hip cramp, he wouldn’t be able to do this. Also this is totally how dogs pee. I’ve watched many of them pee on things, many times over many years, and this is how most male dogs pee. I say most because I have seen male dogs who never learn to pee on things with one leg up, and for some reason feel deep embarrassment for them. Where were their fathers to teach them things? Do other dogs make fun of them for peeing like lady dogs? Do I need to find a grizzled granddog with a heart of gold to mentor them? To teach them how the police force really works and to impart hard-won wisdom to the youth only to die days before retirement?
Fortunately, dogs don’t care about any of this. The Egg Bowl has completely flash-fried my brain.
4. Virginia, by Spencer
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Sometimes stopping a massive losing streak is a matter of just bringing the right gear. If this describes you or your team, take note: Simply find a Bryce Perkins, and you’re good.
The UVA QB scored the first TD on a 39-yard run, piled up 475 yards, and kept the Cavaliers alive when the Hokies almost reclaimed the game. Perkins had the game of his life three years after breaking the C4 and C5 vertebra in his neck, nearly leaving football, and healing up by wearing a neck brace for five months before transferring from Arizona State.
Relationships really can be a beautiful thing. The Cavaliers needed a QB who understood waiting out the bad to get to something good. UVA gave Perkins the chance to be the quarterback he thought he could be; Perkins, in turn, finally gave them the Commonwealth Cup.
5. Lynn Bowden Jr., by Alex
In a way, Bowden has had America’s most impressive individual season. He’s a wide receiver who’s played QB for Kentucky since the Cats’ depth chart collapsed. No opposing defense has quite figured him out. And on Saturday, he had one of the plays of the year:
SEC Network✔@SECNetwork
This is not even new for him. Look at what he did in high school:
Freaking Awesome@freak1ngawesome
Bowden’s line against Louisville, which is not a high school team but an ACC team: 24 carries, 284 yards, and four touchdowns, 1-of-2 passing for four yards. This all took place in a driving rain that consisted entirely of frozen carpet tacks.
6. The ACC Coastal, by Alex
Three facts, intimately related:
- Each of the division’s seven teams has won it in the last seven years.
- Thus, nobody has won it twice.
- Virginia has as many ACC divisional football titles as Miami, not just in the last seven years but in the entire histories of both programs.
A demented segment of the internet, which all of us at Banner Society are part of, has long craved all seven teams tying with a 4-4 record. This outcome might just be superior.
7a. That Ole Miss player might have actually needed to pee, by Alex
Football players pee on the field sometimes. They’re taking in lots of fluids, and they don’t have bathrooms out there. What kind of authoritarian state do we live in when we just assume someone’s faking something all humans must do several times a day? How many times did you pee on your Thanksgiving night?
7b. That Ole Miss player absolutely did not have to pee, by Spencer
Elijah Moore has peed thousands of times like a normal person. He’s from Fort Lauderdale, and as a fellow graduate of Florida schools, I know one thing they don’t let you do is pee all over the place. Well, not like a dog on all fours, at least.
8. The tiny hater who lives in Dabo Swinney’s earhole, by Alex
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The same hater who hasn’t stopped yelling “Li’l Ole Clemson!” into Dabo’s brain for the last several years had entirely new insults this week:
Grace Raynor✔@gmraynorThe full quote in two parts:
“How important is this game? It’s huge. I mean, it’s huge from a national standpoint because obviously if we lose this game, I mean, they’re going to kick us out. They don’t want us in there anyway. We’d drop to No. 20."
Grace Raynor✔@gmraynor“I mean, Georgia loses to this very same team and the very next day, it’s, ‘How do we keep Georgia in it?’ We win to the team that beat South Carolina (North Carolina) and it’s, ‘How do we get Clemson out?’ It’s the dadgumest thing. So it’s big. Because they can’t vote us out.”
Stay tuned, as our earhole-sized cynic is going to spend all the time between now and the Playoff telling Dabo that the national media is just waiting for another Clemsoning.
9. Joe Burreaux, by Godfrey
For pregame, Joe Burreaux asked the equipment team to change the nameplate on his jersey from BURROW to BURREAUX as a thank-you to fans at his last home game. When he pointed to it, Tiger Stadium exploded. Burreaux, a college student who noted he takes online classes, also made sure to “say hi and thank” the student section, he said.
LSU Football✔@LSUfootball
In his regular “Burrow” jersey, Burreaux then threw for 352 yards and three touchdowns in a massacre of Texas A&M, breaking a record for the most yardage in a single season by an SEC quarterback and tying the touchdowns record.
Respectfully, we will reflect the identity change, as the spelling Burreaux implies a fusion of what has always been in Louisiana — LSU’s history of talent riches — with that long missing ingredient: a cutting-edge offense run by one of the best quarterbacks in football.
10. Counter-programming on the evening of Saturday, December 7, by Alex
Wisconsin destroyed Minnesota in the most important battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe since 1962. That means the Badgers are going to the Big Ten Championship, where they’re highly likely to get swatted into the ether by Ohio State. I have watched Wisconsin lose enough blowouts to Ohio State.
Meanwhile, Clemson’s going to play Virginia in the ACC Championship. The Hoos are a great story, and I am very happy to let that story end with them snapping a 15-year streak to Virginia Tech. I do not need to read the epilogue about them playing Clemson in the conference title game and Alabama in the Orange Bowl.
The ACC game is at 7:30 p.m. ET on ABC. The Big Ten game is at 8 ET on Fox. If my editor (Jason, so please make him feel public pressure) allows me, I will be watching Planet Earth: Blue Planet II on Animal Planet or Thor: Ragnarok on TBS. [Sure, but there’s a 0% chance Alex actually chooses to not blog about sports.]
11. Iowa PEDs (Punts Equal Demon-strength), by Spencer
There was a point in Nebraska-Iowa when the Hawkeyes seemed like they were in trouble. Nebraska came back to tie, and to the untrained eye not experienced in Iowa football, it seemed like Kirk Ferentz’s team was in trouble.
A more expert eye saw an all-but-assured Iowa victory. If the six punts in a row following Nebraska’s tying score weren’t enough of a clue, then the last Hawkeyes punt should have made it obvious that God’s Team would prevail again. If regular punting only makes Iowa more powerful with each kick, then a quarterback pooch-punting on fourth-and-six from the Nebraska 34 with four minutes left? A punt that goes through the end zone for a touchback, meaning a negligible gain in field position?
That’s a PED for Hawkeye football, practically a heat check on the part of Ferentz, the high priest of hilariously conservative football that works most of the time anyway. Iowa won 27-24 and shamed all the nerds talking about fourth down percentages back into their nerd holes.
12. Memphis beating Cincinnati in Memphis, setting up a game against Cincinnati in Memphis, by Jason
The Bearcats’ end-of-season schedule reads as follows:
Memphis 901 FC✔@Memphis901FC
If Cincy loses in Memphis again, I would personally like for the Bearcats to then get the Liberty Bowl bid in Memphis.
13. Northwestern saving every last one of its points for Hat Game, by Jason
The Wildcats entered Hat Game (known to some as the Land of Lincoln Trophy Game against Illinois, named after one of the more useful rivalry trophies) averaging 4.08 yards per play, the worst by any power-conference offense since 2011 Kentucky. SP+ ranked Northwestern’s offense #122 out of 130, one spot ahead of the offense fielded by UMass, one of the worst college football teams of the millennium.
Well, in Hat Game, Northwestern erupted for 5.8 yards per rush and ... they kind of didn’t pass, and their few passes produced about the same yardage per throw, which is not good, so let’s focus on the rushing. The Wildcats rumbled for 378 on the ground, meaning OC Mick McCall needed only 11 entire seasons in order to fully implement his system. Everyone else is in trouble now.
14a. Dog-peeing shouldn’t even be unsportsmanlike conduct, by Alex
The NCAA rulebook bans “abusive, threatening or obscene language or gestures” and acts that “provoke ill will or are demeaning to an opponent, to game officials or to the image of the game.” Those are included, albeit not limited to, the following:
- “Pointing the finger(s), hand(s), arm(s) or ball at an opponent, or imitating the slashing of the throat.” Nope, dog-peeing isn’t that.
- “Taunting, baiting or ridiculing an opponent verbally.” Nope, dog-peeing isn’t verbal.
- “Inciting an opponent or spectators in any other way, such as simulating the firing of a weapon or placing a hand by the ear to request recognition”. I mean, is dog-peeing “incitement” just because your opponent’s mascot is a bulldog? If so, would shaking your head like you have an elephant trunk be a penalty if you were playing Alabama?
- “Any delayed, excessive, prolonged or choreographed act by which a player (or players) attempts to focus attention upon himself.” How can a natural function of the human body be “excessive?” If Moore had legitimately been peeing in his pants, would he have been flagged? Are SEC officials in the business of policing students’ bodies?
- “Altering stride on the way into the end zone, going into the stands to interact with spectators, bowing at the waist after a good play, or removing the helmet while the ball is live.” Nope, nope, nope, and nope.
Horns Down shouldn’t be a penalty in the Big 12, either. Conferences should stick to their objective of making college administrators rich and stop looking for new ways to punish unpaid athletes for enjoying and/or relieving themselves.
14b. Dog-peeing should be unsportsmanlike conduct because it mocks dogs for just living the best lives they can with their little dog bodies, by Spencer
It’s not that it disrespects Mississippi State, but that it disrespects the entire way another species has to live. Put yourself in a dog’s shoes for a moment. A dog that wears shoes, at least, like a tap-dancing bulldog from a sad French movie about the circus. His name is Marcel! He likes belly rubs and dislikes his nagging desire to be a normal dog who does not have to tap-dance for strangers.
Marcel and every other dog are just trying the best they can. They have to pee like that, and we should respect it. (Especially given how many of us pee daily in a noisy bowl designed for dog drinking water.) Dogs tolerate this because they love us in spite of themselves. Gorillas don’t. That’s why they charge the windows at the zoo when idiots make fun of them for doing regular gorilla-type things.
Oh, and Ole Miss really did lose an Egg Bowl by a point because someone mimicked a dog peeing and set up a super-long extra point the kicker missed. It made Russian television presenters laugh. I can’t say anything more horrifying or damning about the whole thing than that.
Not first: Michigan, by Ryan
The thing about these Michigan losses to Ohio State is they often do just enough in the first half to make you think maybe this is the year. Last year, the Wolverines trailed by five at halftime; the final deficit was 23. In 2017, the game was tied at the half; Michigan wound up losing by 11. 2015 went from a four-point deficit at halftime to a 29-point final margin.
Maybe that’s why in 2019, Jim Harbaugh kicked a field goal from the Ohio State five on Michigan’s last possession of the first half. 28-20 would be dangerously close! 28-16’s much safer. Keep Ohio State feeling good, and you’ll reel them in later.
The Buckeyes won by 29 again. I have no choice but to classify this as yet another year in which Michigan showed up to their final exam and forgot to wear pants.
Last: Millionaires losing badly, by Spencer
Mike Leach insulted a writer in a postgame press appearance following his seventh straight Apple Cup loss to Washington. Leach makes $4 million a year. Jim Harbaugh said he felt insulted by a reporter’s basic question after Michigan lost by 29 to Ohio State. Harbaugh makes $7.5 million a year.
If either program would like me to be this mature for half the money, please email me at spencer@bannersociety.com and enjoy the savings.
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