I met Charlie back in the ealry 90's when I was in CA trying to sell scripts and be a writer. HE was okay back then, had just finished hot shots and was doing pretty good. He always liked my scripts and told me it was a shame no one bought the rights to anything I had written. I kept in touch with him over the years via an occasional email. We partied together a few times. He had the APPETITE man. I could not keep up with him.
One story is we were up early in the morning after a late night and he came across a dead dog. A big dead dog. He wanted the skull. So he cut off the head and he brought it home and boiled it. HE was gonna put it up on the wall because he thought it represented him. Don't know if he ever did. But he did start.
He called me out of the blue the other day and rambled and this is what came of it:
I am Charlie Sheen. The badddest actor ever. I am so badd - I put
and extra b in badd. There has been a lot of talk about me lately in
the news because people are jealous of me and the life style I live.
What red blooded male does not want to live with two women: who are
defintiely not hookers if we are taping this. I mean, after my 4th
or fifth wife left: who I thought was my soul mate: what was I to
do. I mean she did leave after I was drinking like
CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
and wearing my underwear running through the house with a knife in
my mouth cause I was pissed that I couldn't be a real pirate and I
broke all the doors in the house with a hardy YARRRRRRRRRR WENCH. I
AM CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE the PIRATE. I punched her like the
pirate wench that she, and so my sould mate left me -whatever her
name was. I cannot remember because my two new soulmates are much
more connected and younger, was when she tried to take away my
pistolas when I was aiming at the British navy who were disguised as
LAPD.
As they gaoler was taking me away I was upset because I did not have
6 fists of titantium with wchih to vanquish them. And they had taken
the pirate kinfe from my mouth. And I was bleeding - but i was
bleeding confidence all over the british. #badword#. Benny Hill is
funnier than Benny Hinn. No wonder the british still control over 60
of the worlds opium. I could be funnier than either of them. becasue
they don't know how to live la vida coca.
So, with all the mis-information out there I have decided to let
people know:
Don't be a drag - Be a Dragon!!!!!!! Like
CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I #badword# winning and bleed confidence. And you can two if you would
follow my directions so you won't be a loser like those whose brain
cannot heal itself - like me. I can heal my brain in a second.
That's how I cured my self of addiction. In a nano second I shut my
eyes and was cured. rehab is for all those losers with brains that
give up. their brain says: ohh. my brain has three speeds.
Charlie's Brain Speeds
1) MORE
2) TOO MUCH
3) MORE THAN THAT BECAUSE I AM
CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE;
Incurable romantic.
So, you wanna stop being a non-charlie who only scores with
waitresses from denny's in the back of your ford taurus and you
wanna start scoring with hot women who want to be in tv and
movies??? Dudh. Not everyone is ready to start living like a tiger.
The world needs mice for Tigers to eat. Do tigers even eat mice? I
don't know and I don't care b/c I have not eaten in days. I don't
even know what day it is. But, see, that stuff doesn't matter to
CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Time is a golden thread of continuity woven
into the fabric of my existence. I close my very powerful eyelids
for a nano second and I am at the exact moment I need to be in to
be. Obi Wan was a pussy compared to me. "Feel the Force"...
#badword#, all he felt was the force of vadars light sabre. my advice:
"#badword# Everyone ELSE"
If you can go outside and walk up to the hottest women you see at
the mall and then punch here while singing. "I am just waiting for
the call to begin filing major league 3, because major league 2 did
suck majorly, but only because, but only because, there was not
enough CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" then maybe you are
ready to begin on the long and narrow white line to being like the
five platinum fisted tiger who farts anger and rage.
First step:
Diiet. Confectioners Sugar, vodka, ginseng and cinnamon.
Mix. Consume. RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE against the man, who may or may
not be Jewish but I don't care because I am not for or against
anything or anyone because I am Sheenstan. And that means that
people worship me because they know that I could kill any man I want
by using my brain, even though I am not rock star from mars, I
could do it.
Repeat daily until arrest or cardiac arrest.
Women:
How old are you? Cool. you got a sister? you wanna be in Hollywood.
Cool. I can help. I am CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. You got any other
sisters. You know any hot whores?
Cool. right on. You know, from the moment I saw you I felt this
really great spiritual connection that I have never felt with any
other women since last night. You are a very special woman. I am
really feeling like this could be it. I have not really said that
since I met my, I think my 5th wife, I forget here name, but only
because you are so spiritually beautiful. cool. LET'S
FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Job:
Who cares. IF you mess with my family I will name your company after
me and then pee around your corporate offices in an ancient sheedoo
rite.
CBS: 'psssssssssssss' now it's Charlie Broadcasting Systems.
Cinemax: 'psssssssssssss' now it's Sheenimax
This is too trivial and boring for my brain. I get $2mill an
episode. And you fire me.
I am just going to travel the world and heal people through my
blinking until you call me back. And now for $3mill an episode
because healing people through blinking is expensive. I mean the
whore in russia are pricey and I need some lesbian interpreters.
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just healed a dieing child in Tanzania.
LAter.
