 |
|
|
|
|
|
| Back |
Previous on Jeremy Bosch Memorial HOF |
Next on Jeremy Bosch Memorial HOF |
aufantom
(206.166.230.34) on 2/13/2009 - 10:11 a.m. says: ( 35 views
)
|
"Kiffin's apology to Urban"
|
CONTEXT ADDED BY ADMIN:
END OF CONTEXT
Dear Urban,
It's the Kiff here. My boss told me that I needed to
apologize for calling you a cheater, so here's the best I can do: You are
welcome.
C'mon. You have to be grateful for the tidal wave of compassion
you've gotten. Not only do you return an insanely talented defense, but you also
bring back the quarterback-cyborg that is Tim Tebow. Add to all that two
National Championships and your prime location in the nation's recruiting
hotbed, and yet you're coming off as the victim in this situation. Crazy
huh?
Have you ever been to Tennessee besides when you play us? It's not
exactly flush with football talent. I'm plowing through scouting reports of Jim
Bobs and Bubbas. Phil didn't exactly leave me with a stocked fridge (and that
metaphor extends both literally and figuratively in case you were
wondering).
So of course I'm going to come out guns blazing. I've got to get
us back on the map. I mean, you saw our QBs. Jonathan Crompton? Really? Peyton
Manning isn't exactly walking through the locker room door.
But admit it.
You like it. You need it. Do you really want to be the guy who tries to throw
down with Mark Richt? That's like wrestling a Tibetan Monk.
Face it,
Urban, I'm the most refreshing thing since the Tim Tebow circumcision story
broke last fall. The Florida Gators and this conference deserve a better class
of antagonistic coaches, and I intend to be that guy.
Be honest: When
Phil was the coach, did you really feel challenged? Did you feel validated as a
coach for beating a guy who was more familiar with a post-game spread than a
spread offense?
I mean, I guess it was nice to beat Grandpa Spurrier now
that he has one foot in the tee box, but please don't tell me that you feel a
sense of accomplishment for beating the ghost of Gators past. You and I both
know that you were one more National Championship away from shoving Charlie Weis
out of South Bend and fleeing the mullet-headed mouth-breathers filling up the
Swamp. With me around, though, you're having second thoughts. Think of the pride
you'll feel in tangling with my dad's proven pro-style defense. Kind of
overshadows feeling good about torching Hawaii and the Citadel's defense
huh?
Sure, you have Nick Saban as a formidable opponent, but he's out
West, and you guys may tangle once a year if all the stars align and everything
goes according to plan. I give you the guarantee of a royal rumble every year
and early on.
I know I come off a little chirpy, but you've got to like
that I'm not so eager to kow-tow to the wave of Olympic-caliber sprinters you're
rolling out. Whether you like it or not, you're the Yankees now. You're the man,
the establishment. Florida is Cobra-Kai now. You're John Kreese, and Timmy T is
Jonny Lawrence. I am Daniel-San, and my dad is Mr. Miyagi.
And you know what,
Urban-Myth? You may try to sweep the leg, but I plan on crane-kicking you and
Timmy right in the face.
But that's not all, Urbie. I'm coming into your
backyard. I'm going after your recruits, and I swear to Pete Carroll that if we
are bombing you by 40 and I have all of my timeouts with less than a minute
left, I will call all three timeouts while Ed Orgeron power-bombs Albert the
Gator and the entire team gets Kiffy with it in the end zone. I have never been
more serious about anything in my life.
Anyways, I've got to run. Got a
study session on SEC rules and regulations. Nu'Keese and Marsalis send their
best.
Subversively yours,
The Kiff
|
--
Never appeal to a man's 'better nature'...He may not have one. Invoking his self interest gives you more leverage.... Lazarus Long
|
|
