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J Jacob’s Double Speak: “Good morning. Thank all of you for blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Coach Tuberville has resigned blah blah blah wish nothing but the best blah blah blah As many of you know, Dr. Gouge, Tommy and myself met blah blah blah…asked Tommy to lay out a comprehensive plan blah blah blh…how to elevate this football team to not only compete for SEC championships blah blah blah…national championships in a word blah blah blah
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “This lying Sh*t comes easily- and to think I could have gone to Wall Street…wonder where Mr. Louder is going to take me and my wifiepoo to dinner tonight…what a bunch of boobs Auburn grads are…nah I am one so I take that back…”
J Jacob’s Double Speak: “the other point…blah blah blah… will honor Tommy's contract… blah blah blah…Because of) Tommy's willingness and assurances that he wants to continue to …blah blah blah honor his contract…blah blah blah
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: Louder wanted to fire his sorry a** on the spot til our blood sucking lawyer reminded us in tort happy Bama it would be triple damages…”
Reporter: Will you go after anyone who has a buyout clause?
J Jacob’s Double Speak : "We will not limit ourselves to anyone."
MReporter: “Is it accurate that Bill Carr contacted Mike Leach?”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “Not only would we consider a buy out clause but we would pretty much consider a child molester if he could win 10 games year in and year out and beat Bama at least 15 years in a row..”
IA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “Not only would we consider a buy out clause but we would
J Jacob’s Double Speak "Not to my knowledge."
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said; “It the Pope Catholic, is Mohamed a Muslim do I have photos of Gogue and Lowder flagrante dileccto?”
Reporter:”If Tommy had not resigned yesterday, would he have been the football coach next year?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak :"Absolutely."
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said “ AHAHAHAHA…AHAHAHAHA… really (chortle)… okay I am going to get control of myself (titter titter) AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH… (tears streaming down face)…OHOHOHOHOH…you guys are something else. HAHAHAHAHA- (takes out hankerchief and wipes face)- man- you really know how to crack a guy up…okay enough joking- lets get back to some serious questions…next please…”
Reporter : “Is there a sense of urgency to hire someone who is committed to the spread offense since losing several commits in the last 24 hours?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak: “ Let me answer that a couple different ways. One is that we will hire the type of coach I just mentioned. One, that is best for this team, best for the university and best for the Auburn family.”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: We are going to hire whoever Bobby Louder tells us to hire you nimrod- what state have you been living in the last 20 years and whose arm do you think is rammed up my rearend and do you think I am actually moving my mouth myself?”
Reporter : “Will you solely be handling the search?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak: “There will be a couple people involved.”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “Bobby Louder and his wife tweetie”
Reporter :” What the assistant coach's responsibilities right now?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak: We are going to honor their contracts. As Tommy has mentioned blah blah blah We will ask these coaches that would like to yada yada yada”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said “ They had better be getting the h*ll out of dodge and get their cr*p into the cardboard boxes we handed them this morning along with the GreyHound bus tickets
Reporter “Where were you getting the money to buy him out?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak "Fortunately the last few years, because number one, the success of our football program and the other is because of our stewardship blah blah blah
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “What you think ole Bobby’s going to do with his slide of the Fed Bailout of his daddy’s bank?”
Reporter: “Just to clarify, he was not forced to resign and this was his decision?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak :”Completely his decision. I asked him three times and so did the president yada yada yada”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “I know I Know- but there really are some BOOBs who are going to believe that line…and who also thinks that GM makes quality automobiles. Like Hitler said “when ya tell one make sure it is a BIG one”
Reporter: “With the gravity of the situation as he resigned, was it emotional for you?”
J Jacob’s Double Speak :You know, it was. We prayed and it's just a tough business. Tommy and I have a great relationship. When I was at Tigers Unlimited, he would come down and drink coffee and sit in my office”
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “Just think of it..I had Tubby with his eyes closed, a cup of steaming coffee..it would have been so EASY to poison him right there- you know something slow acting and agonizing- I hear strychnine is a good for making people hemorrhage all over…but on second thought what I have done to him over the last 6 months has been much more enjoyable and longer lasting…plus people have been able to watch me do it…in publich…AHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAH (hysterical laughter)
Reporter “On the Board of Trustees having a say in this...”
J Jacob’s Double Speak "The Board of Trustees had no word whatsoever."
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said; “And I am sure you also believe in the toothfairy, the Great Pumpkin and Santa Claus…”
Reporeter “On what makes the head coach job a desirable one...”
J Jacob’s Double Speak "Because of the success Tommy Tuberville has built - competing in the SEC, competing for SEC and National Championships, and being able to mold young men."
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said: “Well at Auburn at least you get to be a toadie of the board>>>”
Reporeter “On paying the full buyout...”
J Jacob’s Double Speak "We will pay the full buy out of 6 million."
MIA’s Translation of what he REALLY said; “Can you say TRIPLE Damages if we broke the contract”
