It is reluctant because I am torn between the need to honor my friend publically and the nearly overwhelming desire to avoid the topic of his passing at all costs. My thoughts and feelings are not clear. It is confusing at some level to feel the grief I feel over someone I never met in person. On the other hand, I probably averaged an email or more a week from Jeremy over an extended period. So I do feel like I knew him well. His thinking and expression were a part of my life -- hell, most times I would stop what I was doing at work to open an email from him or to read a post on WAB by him. But the circumstances of his death tell me I did not know him well enough. There is pain and guilt associated with that realization, and it will not listen with any attention to what my rational side says about my ability to have supported Jeremy better.
Fortunately for me, most of what I want to say has been said, and said well, by others (Mud's comments are particularly apt). I'll try not to repeat much of what has already been eloquently offered.
What is so ironic about this is that if you asked me for a general description of Jeremy, I would probably say life affirming. He breathed life into this message board when it was dead, and when it was alive, he was a shot of virtual adreneline that caused it heart to pump faster and more loudly. Regardless of what you think about his views or how he expressed them, WAB was a different -- and in my opinion far better -- place when he was actively participating. The Board is now different because he is gone, and that difference is permanent. It will still be a great place and a fine community. But for me certainly, and probably for you too, it will never be quite the same.
His personal emails were of similar quality -- though his style was completely different. I dearly love talking about college football. There are very few people I can name with whom I have ever enjoyed talking about college football more than Jeremy. He was knowledgeable, passionate, and a purple and gold partisan to the hilt. Those discussions were always vibrant and full of life, even, and especially, when our views were diametrically opposed .
I have far more experience with suicide than I want or need. It is an experience that upsets the normal grief cycle, a cycle whose endurance is hard enough anyway. The feelings of anger and guilt among those left behind are almost always greatly magnified, sometimes to the point of unhealthy distortion. This makes what is already difficult decidedly harder. My thoughts and prayers are with his family. I know he cherished them. May they find the peace they need.
And my thoughts and prayers are with you, too.
And with Jeremy. Damn, I am going to miss him.
That is more than enough for right now.
