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I do not know if this is the right board to post this on, but I need to tell some one a story that has plagued me with guilt and maybe, just maybe someone out there could just tell me it will be ok.
A stray pup took up at our house and I fed and took care of it and became quite attached to Coco which I named him. My 12 year old Dalmatian even took to him as the began to play with each other. It even seemed that Calli had become a pup again herself. After a few months, my wife and I had some marital problems, which we have since resolved, but I was going to move out of our home. I could have taken Calli with me but not Coco and my wife was not willing to take care of him. So, I tried giving him away but came up empty. I really had no choice but to take him to the shelter hoping that someone would adopt him. The person at the shelter talked about the percentages of dogs being adopted and it was like 25% they told me. I was naive enough to believe that he had a chance, so I relunctantly left him. That night my wife and I had talked about Coco and finally she agreed to work things out or at the very least keep Coco for me, so I decided to go back the following morning to get Coco at opening time. When I arrived, an employee at the shelter who remembered me was sitting outside the door. I told him I came back to get Coco. He told me with a sad face that he had already been euthanized. I was devastated to say the least as I was led to believe he had a chance when the other person told me about the percentages of adoption which gave me a little hope. If I had only been smart enough to know, or been told the cold hard facts at the time I had brought him, I would have tied him to a tree in the woods, and fed him every day but I was stupid. Well, I binged drank and cried all day and still cry when I think of what I had done. To this day, a month after I feel this overwhelming guilt. Yesterday, I went to my yahoo mail, something I very rarely do, and came upon something I wrote during my drunken stupor that I did not remember writing and I would like to share with y`all. Just maybe someone out there can sympathize about my guilt. I pray every night that God may forgive me for what I have done. I am truly sorry. I just needed to get this off of my chest.
June 13th the year 2006, I committed a murder of an innocent being for the first time in my life. This being was deserving of having a life of joy, But I indiscrimitely ended his life barely as it started. I played God and I had no right nor had the authority to do so. I had no other reason other than my personal misfortunes.
This being had no personal choices. He did not choose me, I chose him, and I wasted him when all he wanted to do was to live. He had no use for fancy cars, he did not care how rich anyone was, He did not care about who did what to who. He was oblivious to skin color or creed, but who one was inside. He didn`t care if you were religious, educated, lliterate, clever or dull. I gave him my heart and he gave me his, The most simplist of things I think us humans who are much wiser and sophisticated have trouble figuring out. He depended on me, he looked up to me for his needs, he just wanted to be part of a life that was not cruel, and I let him down, for it was me that took on the part of caring for him. I truly believe he would have been the most devouted of all the beings that I took responsibility of, including Calli, my beloved who does not have much longer on this earth.
Coco, I only knew you for 7 months, But I love you as much as Luke my first, Dusty, Skipper, Charlie, Nanna, Brandy, Neena, Joey, Prissy, Snuggles and Bubbles, and Boots who I left with a friend after 12 years to pursue my new life, I am so terribly sorry Booters, forgive me.
I am so sorry my buddy that I did that to you and I ask that I be forgiven. I do not deserve forgiveness but I ask anyway. I did come back for you, I think you know that. But that in no way relieves me of my guilt and will I wish you could have grown old with me. I love you Coco.
I need to say alot of words,
But do not know what to say
I need to do some things,
But do not know what to do
I need to open my eyes to the day,
But am in a deep chasm of sleep
I need to enjoy my life,
But am doomed to an agonizing grief
I need to open my heart to love,
But it is already cracked with strife
I need to reach for that ellusive ray of hope,
But my arms are shackled and cannot be raised
I need to revisit a happier time
But those days are just a faint memory
I need just the tiniest of miracles to undo what I had wrought,
But such a wish is not deserving
I need only a flickering flame to warm my soul,
But a frigid wind blows it`s fury to extenguish the spark
I need to run to the brightest of stars,
But I have no legs to bear the weight of my burdens
I need forgiveness,
But am not worthy of forgiveness
I need to be reborn,
But no womb is willing to carry my seed
I need to rid myself of my discomfort,
But I am oppressed to live
I need something or someone to offer the good I`ve done,
But no one or nothing will recognize or acknowledge.
I need to be found,
But will be forever be lost.
Goodbye Coco, My Buddy
__________________
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