(EDITED BY AUTHOR: 5/8/2006 - 6:23 p.m.)
Dear Coach Dye...
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Posted by Uncle_Jake on May 08, 2006 at 13:02:00:
It has been a long time since you were roaming the sidelines for Auburn
University. My guess is that you still long for the day when you were.
If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be cropping up every once in a while to
tell whoever Alabama is playing that weekend that they “aren’t man
enough to beat Alabama” or that Auburn has “never been in a stronger
position” than it is right now.
Let’s examine that position.
There
is talk of springing for a downsized basketball arena for a coach who
has yet to beat Alabama in what, six tries? The reputed price tag of
that little sandbox, to borrow your own phrase, is $70 million. That’s
a lot of bowl games against third-rate Big 10 opponents, coach. Of
course, Jimmy Rane and Bobby Lowder could probably spit that chunk of
change pretty quick if I had to hazard a guess, huh?
But we all
know that basketball was, is, and shall ever more be secondary in the
hearts of you plainsmen, right? We know where the bread gets buttered,
don’t we?
Chette Wynn sure knows, doesn’t he?
Let’s
examine Brother Chette, shall we? Here is a preacher, for all intents
and purposes living in a house that has been assessed by the Lee County
tax collector at what, $350,000, give or take a few shillings, correct?
If you can, run it by me how a ‘preacher’ with no recognized church, no
organized congregation, no inspirational tapes to sell, no Sunday
morning television broadcast, no revival tour, no connection to a Jimmy
Swaggart of any kind lives in a house like that? Where did he come by
that kind of dough in the state of Alabama, coach? Are there any other
‘preachers’ living that high on the hog? Jeremiah Castille played ball
in the NFL. He ‘ministers’ to several young men on the team at Alabama
(I suppose that’s OK since he’s got two sons on the team), yet I hear
nothing about him living in a $350,000 home. I wonder why that is. I
understand Brother Chette lives right down the street from your
football coach, he of the “fear the thumb t-shirt,” Tommy Tuberville.
Are there any other ‘preachers’ living in that neighborhood? Maybe
Wayne Hall built that fine house for Chette at cost. Of course, Wayne
has been off the sidelines nearly as long as you, so I suppose that
‘cost’ for Coach Hall was quite different from the ‘cost’ for Chette,
now wasn’t it? I guess you need to make sure that Coach Hall is
properly cared for in his retirement. Do you reckon Tommy and Chette
live that close to each other so that phone calls can be kept to a
minimum? After all, if you can trace phone calls, then you can prove
people speak to one another, can’t you?
Pat, things are changing.
And they’re not changing for the better for Auburn. 
This fall, your
football squad is going to come to Bryant-Denny Stadium for the fourth
time in eight years. This year, it isn’t going to play against a team
coached by a guy looking for another job at Texas A&M. This year,
auburn isn’t going to play against a team with three
probation-shortened classes. This year, Auburn isn’t going to play
against a lame duck coach who knew three weeks before that he was
finished at Alabama. This year, Auburn won’t take the field against a
guy who started the season a third-string quarterback. This year, for
the first time in probably seven years, (seven being the last time we
won the conference crown) Auburn will face a united Alabama, an Alabama
that isn’t so crippled by unjust NCAA penalties and coaches that argue
amongst themselves.
This time, Coach Dye, is going to be
different. Auburn won’t be the one laughing at the end of the day at
Bryant-Denny Stadium. It’s going to be the one laughed at instead. Then
we’ll see how pretty people think Tommy Tuberville is for losing a game
that you’ve decided you can take for granted. In 2007, when we beat you
again in Auburn, we’ll see how long it takes your Napoleonic ruler to
fire up the plane in the dead of night for some far-away destination
that fans track on the web.
And when the NCAA gets wind of
Brother Chette’s ‘ministry,’ you’re going to be laughed at again. It
will happen, coach. The only unknown as far as Brother Chette is
concerned is when.
Respectfully,
R. J. Head
UA - 1983
