I was cleaning up the drive on my old laptop the other day and came across some of the old heavy-duty posts inlcuding my favorite of all time...I give to you (for a second, maybe third time) "Llama-boy's" masterpiece. (what was his real handle?)
Hello fellow Auburn Tigers!!!
Well, actually I don’t go to Auburn;
I go to Rhodes College.
Have I mentioned that I’m a writer for <I>The
Sou’wester</I>? That’s the student
paper here at Rhodes
College. It is so cool to be a newspaper writer…and
great for your resume! Chicks dig
newspaper men too. I just love saying
“newspaper men.” Some people think
people who write for newspapers are “dorks” and
“geeks”…and we are, but we’re cool dorks and geeks.
I wanted to tell you guys, I went to this really cool
Trekkie Convention recently trying to pick up chicks…not fat ones mind you, but
good-looking ones in those really short Star Trek dress. Do you know the ones I’m talking about? The ones like on the old show with James T.
Kirk…he was so cool. I bet he did an
alien chick. I wish I could do an alien
chick. Actually, I wish I could do any
chick, but especially one that likes Star Trek.
I like women a lot more than I like men.
I mean, how could a man ever like another man? Homosexuals just really upset me…in fact,
that’s why I was trying so hard to find a girl at the Trekkie Convention. I couldn’t stand it if some guy thought I was
gay since I can’t find a date. I would
say to him, “get away from me you homo, I’m not gay…really.”
I mean who could ever think that I’m gay. In fact, there is this girl here at Rhodes
that I really like named Elizabeth,
but she likes my friend Greg. She’s so
pretty. She has long brown hair and
pretty eyes. Her mouth and teeth are
kind of big though….anyway, she has great hair and she smells just like
newspaper ink. Did I mention that I work
for a newspaper? That’s how I know what
newspaper ink smells like.
So I’m at this Trekkie Convention and this guy thought he
know more about Klingons than I did. Boy
what a loser. I mean, how could he know
more than me? He worked as a waiter for
goodness sakes and I’m a trivia wiz!!!
So get this, he asked me how a cloaking device worked…man that was
stupid!!! Wrong race, loser…Klingons
didn’t have cloaking devices! After I blistered
him and told him as a waiter, he had no right to even speak to me, I asked him
what the name of the ceremony where a Klingon becomes a man was called. HE DIDN’T know!!!! These guys that have food service jobs are
such idiots!!! Can you believe that?!?!
So he has the nerve to ask me what I had against
waiters. Well, I didn’t tell him, but to
be honest I had a painful experience with a waiter as a child. You see, I had ordered the kid’s meal with a
hot dog and fries. Well this waiter guy
brings it out to me and I started eating it.
Like most kids, I really didn’t like the bread, so I started eating the
hot dog without the bun. Well this
waiter says to my dad, “Your son really seems to like that wiener.” I couldn’t believe it! He was calling me a homosexual right to my
dad’s face. Well since then, I’ve always
hated waiters. Who would think I was
gay? I’m not gay…I hate homosexuals.
Well, I can tell you one thing, as soon as I graduate and
find a job as a writer at a big newspaper (have I mentioned that I write for
the <I>Sou’wester</I>?) I am going to put all of these food service
guys in their place. I can’t
wait!!! I’m going to write an editorial myself
about how people that work as waiters should never try to cross wits with
college graduates (I’m just a student at Rhodes College
now, but just you wait!!!)!!! And do you
know what?! When they write in letters
to the editor complaining about my editorial, I’m going to give it to them
again!!! I mean, what LOSERS they will
look like!!! I’m going to be a
newspaper writer for goodness sakes.
Like those guys matter anyway.
Heck, what can they do to A NEWSPAPER WRITER anyway?
The other thing I want to write about is Area 51 in Roswell…the truth is out
there and I’m going to find it! For
years, aliens or the government posing as aliens have been abducting people and
subjecting them to horrible anal probes and the world needs to hear the
truth! I mean, could you imagine having
some alien give you an anal probe? It
would probably make you feel like you were a homosexual. I tell you what, if some alien tried to give
me an anal probe, I’d cap his @ss just like Biggie Smalls, AKA the Notorious
B.I.G. No homo-alien is going check my
plumbing, you can count on that!
So, what do you guys think about Auburn Football? I mean, you old guys don’t work anyway
(unlike me, A WRITER FOR <I>THE SOU’WESTER</I>) so I bet you know
everything about Auburn Football. Will
we be great next year or what? We can
get rid of Heath Evens and get a real running back and our troubles will be
over. I, for one, will be so glad that I
don’t have to hear how great Heath is anymore.
The truth is, if he weren’t white, everyone would think he was
terrible. I never come out and say it,
but I think people who think Heath is a great running back are really just
racists. There I said it and no one
better disagree with me or I’ll blast them.
Especially people who work at restaurants, those homo-losers.
You know, I was an athlete.
In fact, I was in the Olympics…well, the special Olympics. I even won a medal in the 500-meter
stagger. Heck, I could probably do as
well as Heath Evans…then you could all route for me since I’m white too, you
old fart, bunch of racists.
Well all you Auburn regulars here feel free to post up all
of your opinions and I’ll write something about it, since I’m a newspaper
writer. Well, that is assuming you
actually went to college. Can’t let any
of the non-intellectual set have a voice, now can we. I know you understand, because, War Damn Eagle!,
we’re all Auburn fans…even if I go to Rhodes College!!!
I guess I should devote a little time to my NEWSPAPER
WRITING duties now…that’s why I only post 4-5 times a day. Can’t sit around like some old guy that
doesn’t work. Talk to you all
later. I’m glad you are my friends…I
know you are since you don’t respond to hardly anything I post. That’s friendship right?
You guys are the greatest!
War Damn Eagle!
