A proposed first draft. I can tone it up or down as you prefer:
DEAR RODNEY:
I AM IN RECEIPT OF YOUR NOTICE OF SUSPENSION OF MY POSTING "PRIVILEGES" ON YOUR WEBSITE, TIDER INSIDER. BEFORE I ADDRESS THE PALTRY SUBSTANCE OF YOUR NOTICE, LET ME BE THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR CREATING OUTLET FOR THE EXPRESSION OF FRUSTRATION AND STUPIDITY BY MENTAL MIDGETS ALL OVER THE CAMELLIA STATE. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT INCIDENTS OF WIFE BEATING AND DRUNK DRIVING HAVE DECREASED IN THE GREAT STATE OF ALABAMA SINCE THE BIRTH OF YOUR WEBSITE (HAVING BEEN REPLACED BY INCIDENTS OF P.C. ABUSE AND DRUNK POSTING). I AM CERTAIN THAT THE $36 ANNUAL FEE I PAY IS MORE THAN OFFSET BY SAVINGS IN TAXES FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT AND AUTOMOBILE INSURANCE PREMIUMS THAT RESULT FROM YOUR SUCCESS AT KEEPING TRAILER TRASH GLUED TO THEIR COMPUTER KEYBOARDS DURING RECRUITIN' AND FOOTBALL SEASON. WHILE MANY HAVE MARVELED AT YOUR ENTREPENEURIAL SKILL, I THINK YOUR CIVIC SENSIBILITIES IN THIS REGARD HAVE GONE UNAPPRECIATED. IT MAY BE DUE TO YOUR HAIRSTYLE, BUT I DIGRESS.
LET ME MOVE NEXT TO AN AREA WHERE WE MAY ACTUALLY AGREE. IT IS A "PRIVILEGE" TO BE ABLE TO READ AND POST ON YOUR SITE. MORE ACCURATELY, I SUPPOSE, IT IS, AS THE LAWYERS SAY, A QUALIFIED PRIVILEGE. I CERTAINLY FEEL PRIVILEGED TO HAVE OVER 7 DECADES OF OBSERVATION OF THE BAMMER NATION CONFIRMED IN THE MICROCOSM THAT IS TI. IT IS ALSO A PRIVILEGE TO FORCE THIS COMMUNITY TO DEAL WITH REALITY, AS I ATTEMPTED WITH ROUSING SUCCESS IN MY LATEST, ALLEGEDLY OFFENDING POST. THIS CONTRIBUTES BOTH TO THE MENTAL HEALTH OF YOUR POSTERS AS A GROUP (A CONTRIBUTION THAT I RECOGNIZE CAN ONLY BE MARGINAL GIVEN THE MARGINAL COMPETENCE OF MANY OF YOUR REGULAR POSTERS) AND TO THE GENERAL GOOD HUMOR OF ALL ALABAMIANS (AN ATTRIBUTE SORELY MISSING IN CURRENT SOCIETY).
I NOTICE THAT YOUR NOTICE FAILS TO SPECIFY WHICH OF THE TI RULES WERE ALLEGEDLY VIOLATED. I HAVE REVIEWED YOUR LINK AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY POST TO DBTide MAY NOT BE IN TECHNICAL COMPLIANCE WITH ALL OF THOSE RULES. THIS IS CERTAINLY AN ARGUABLE POINT, BUT WHO WOULD WILLINGLY ARGUE WITH CRAZY PEOPLE? CERTAINLY NOT I. I ALSO WOULD NOTE, HOWEVER, THAT ANY KIND OF STRICT ENFORCEMENT OF THOSE RULES ON YOUR SITE WOULD RESULT IN THE OBLITERATION OF YOUR MEMBERSHIP. THUS, THE CIVIC VIRTUES DESCRIBED ABOVE WOULD CEASE AND YOU AND DALTON MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A MAP, FLASHLIGHT, MIRROR, AND PAIR OF HANDS AND MAKE A #badword#ING PAYROLL FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC LIVES.
I PRESUME THAT THE FOREGOING IS SUFFICIENT TO REESTABLISH POSTING PRIVILEGE. IF IT IS NOT, PLEASE KNOW THAT I CONTROL A TEAM OF RABID LAWYERS WHO LIVE TO SEE THAT JUSTICE AND HARMLESS INTERNET MISCHIEF CONTINUE AND PREVAIL. I WILL NOT HESITATE TO UNLEASH THEM AND WILL NOT TEMPER THE STING OF THEIR LASH. IF YOU CHOOSE THIS PATH, PERHAPS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HIDEOUS HAIRCUT SO THAT THE NEXT SET OF PICTURES OF YOU TESTIFYING IN COURT POSTED ON THE INTERNET IS NOT AN EMBARASSMENT TO YOUR FAMILY. rtr.
GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.
LOVE AND KISSES,
JOE
By the way, there is no need to cut Hobbes out of the will. I have read on the internet that Hobbes and I are the same person, so it must be true, right?
(EDITED BY AUTHOR: 8/23/2005 - 10:18 p.m.)
::::>I AM ASTOUNDED BY THE VAST RECENT PROMULGATION OF MY COMPUTER SKILLS:
::::>
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