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Re: Crime at the pool [freestyle] [In reply to] Can't Post
I think what we need here is something to "ward off" potential swimming pool towel thiefs. The problem here, from what I have read, is that these people taking the towels just don't give their victims any respect. The fact that the majority of the "towel takers" are doing it by mistake just means your presence and your swimming garb were totally disregarded.
Here's what I'm thinking Freestyle. You walk out on the deck from the locker room. Instead of a towel, you are wearing a long, bright, purple towel robe, with an elevated, white, fluffy collar---the article of clothing would look much like a bright, royal, flowing King's Robe, but it would function as a towel. It would have washable buttons and a deep, thick, white fluffy lining.
Now, who would steal that thing? Who's going to run out of that place with your King Swimming Robe?
It's not like somebody could pick that up by mistake.
"Crap. What's this. What's this wierd, long purple King's Robe Towel.This is not mine. I must return this. Here, sir. Is this your's?"
And, as you walk out onto the deck, with that Robe on, before you begin your workout, the robe would come with a large scepter. Before you jump in, you would bang your scepter hard on the deck beside your lane, 10 times, stating, "This is my Robe Towel I am laying down by this chair. This is my lane. I will now commence my intervals. Do Not Steal My #badword#. Thank You. I am the King Of This Pool."
The men with the hairy backs and thongs in the sauna will stop and take notice: "Hey who the hell is that? I'm not messing with that guy's stuff."
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
The Very Worst Of....Hard Climbs Can't Post
I'm guessing this doesn't happen to some of you hard core biking wonks, but Saturday afternoon, I road up a hill, or mountain down here, the roadies consider "formidable." I think the whole ordeal damaged my face giving me a temporary "hill bitch grimmace" and possible neurological damage. The hill I rode up is about 1.6 miles up. Don't know what the grade is, but safe to say is that at its highest grade, if you released a small marble, down the hill, it would roll for about 2 seconds, and then go off into the air, maybe never to come down, until it hits rock bottom. Its basicallly a sheer cliff.
It got the best of me last weekend; its one of those hills which is what I call a "yes" or a "no." Many of the novice bikers try to make gains on it, add another 20 yards to each try, thinking that eventually one week, five months from the day they first try, they will make it to the top. But this mountain doesn't play that. It's either a "yes" or "no." Its a willpower hill.
I was determined to whip it, when it quit raining, at some point that afternoon.
Earlier that morning I had done some squats at the gym, which I had forgot about by, say 3 in the afternoon, for some idiotic reason, when I decided to get on my bike and climb the beast. Warmed up a little bit on the flats for 12 miles, turned around, and up I go, suddenly one spasm after another hit both my quads, then I remembered the squats. Normally, I would have quit right there, but there were some other roadies at the bottom trudging their way up, so pride kept me going.
Then, at some point during this hellish torture, going up it, it started raining, but I was half way up it, dealing with these cramps, determined to get to the top. So, I get out of the saddle, to try to make it the rest of the way, when the wind hit, at a good 19 mph. Now, I'm not a "out of the saddle" hamstrings kind of guy. I'm a quadriceps sit down up the hill all the way guy. With those gone, I'm down, down, down into granny gear. I think it took me 10 minutes to go five yards. And now I couldn't see because of the rain. I decided just not to see what was left for me to do, so I looked down, and off my $119 Oakley half jackets go, no doubt to be crushed by the people coming up. I was at a point going up the bitch hill, what with the wet pavement and steep grade, if I clipped out, I'm going down, sliding down, like a fool.
Suddenly, at the very top of my head, I got a tremendous headache. I felt feint but kept fighting and trudging, telling myself, don't freak, don't freak. Gasping and grimmacing, I had like a death grip on the bars, and made it to the top. After it was all over with, I couldn't move my jaw because my face muscles got locked into a grimmace I must have had for the whole ordeal. After I got up to my car, and looked in the mirror, my jaw muscles looked like I was still climbing the mountain.
Never seen anything like it, what I will call a "Hill Bitch Grimmace". Looked like I just saw that chick in the horror movie, "The Ring" or something. It took an hour after the ride before I could get my face and jaw to relax back to normal. It was temporary and I should have documented it, medically. My wife wanted to take me to the ER.
And I had a headache, very top of my head, all day Sunday, and most of this morning, from that ordeal, which was probably from all of the blood rushing willy nilly from my head to my heart to pump my dead ass legs.
I'm sure everybody has got a "Have I Got A Hard Climb Story" and I like to hear some of yours.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
We need "Bad Job" Hecklers. Not "Good Job" liars. Can't Post
Whether its a marathon or make that half marathon (my longest) or a triathlon, I am sick and tired of being told I'm doing a "good job" by these race helpers, when I'm not. I want to stop and sit there and argue with this person who, generallly has no clue about what's going on in the race, other than waiting on the last person to come by, so he or she can leave, and, for the most of them, this is just robotically mouthing out "good job," with no analysis at all.
"Now how in the hell could you possibly see I'm doing a good job, the sun is setting, and I'm making you stay longer out here than you thought, and its hot our here, don't you hate me?"
Enough of this. My thinking is that during desperate times, you don't want to be lied to, you want to be heckled, you want the ugly truth: or you are a simpleton. What participant "gets off" or "gets a buzz" over false accolades or false compliments. Maybe some people do, but I don't get it. How does that work? "I was feeling really tired there until I was told by one of the race helpers I was doing "a good job, then I picked it up."
Man, I don't think so.
And that goes for the people near me or behind me. We need to be told, "Everybody is packing up leaving at the transition area, you need to hurry up," or something like that. We need ugly hecklers at every mile marker. There's an open niche for this, if only this nice community would stop the "good job" people and replace them with the "bad job," hecklers.
"Guess what, slowass. They are shutting down the music back at the finish line and the door prizes have all been given out, you'd better hurry." Or.
"You look like Dave Scott, without the Dave and Scott."
"Look everybody, it's number #46, John Candy, back from the dead."
I could sit here and think up 300 of these insults.
I got absolutely nothing from being told I'm doing a "good job," when I am not. I would just prefer cruel insults, but that's just me.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
Its A Small People's World: I Just Live In It Now Can't Post
It must be nice to be 5'7, 145 pounds. A long time ago, in high school and college sports, you people just got left behind in contact sports, except for the hustlers. Some of you were probably "hustlers" and "hitters," still though, you were a midget.
I hope you are happy now. This is your revenge. You waited and waited us out. Now, finally having little body mass is an advantage in every way.
Even the equipment is steered toward the midget frame. When you check ebay for a bike or bike part, I know you midgets can go back 17 pages of stuff to look at. "Whooo, there's too much to look at this morning on Ebay...I like that...I'll bid on that....man, look at all of this stuff...I've just got too much to do..."
This must be nice.
Try being 6'2, 205 or more. Go search for "62cm," in the bike section, and, if you are lucky, you may see possibly four or five entries, it should say, "Come Back Later Big Ass, When Another Big Ass Has Another Big Ass Frame For You."
In running, for the midget, I guess he or she can just try anything, because, after all, how can any of your weight cause too much damage: "gee look, at all these shoes I can choose from, I may even try a racing slick just to see what these are about," whereas for the "clods," its pretty much, "where is the cheapest store I can buy a pair of Brooks Beasts," and the only thing "racing slicks" are going to get you is into an MRI facility.
I'm just sick of it. It's just not fair.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
A Catholic Church Mass Work Around [In reply to] Can't Post
Matt, you don't have to let "church" stand in the way on Sunday, of your training, Matt. If any of you guys and gals married a catholic, and you have kids, many of you know, there's just no way of getting out of "mass," without a knock down, drag out fit. The kicker here is that these things are just day killers.
With the time crunch all of us are posting about, and the "work arounds," just remember that going to church, or being dragged into it, against your will, doesn't have to knock out a very valuable weekend training day. Yes, you, too can work out "in church."
In my new book, "Secret Triathlete Training During Mass," I address this subject. Here we go: Each mass is divided up in all kinds of latin segments. I can't remember them, but its always the same thing, so I'll just be general here.
After the priests walk in with the long sticks swinging the incense thing: this will require you to stand. Pick up your smallest child in your arms, and I always try to do 2 sets of 20 calf raises. If no child, just hold the forward pew for resistance. 2 sets of 20.
After this you are sitting down for a bit. Rest.
Now, you are back up. This is when the people up there, the priests and helpers are bringing out a big red book and showing it to the church crowd, and they are all chanting something. I'm not sure what this is called. Guess what Matt, it's freaking Time for calf muscles stretches. Take one foot back and lean forward on the other knee, stretching the opposite calf muscle. Do three sets of those. If you do three sets of 20 of those, that will take you through, the big red book phase. You will need to do these while looking forward, and not grimacing, and not making too much commotion. Or you will get busted by your wife. And the game is up.
The next phase is a long sit down phase, "The Reading Of The Day," or something. The priest reads, then everybody else reads stuff in dark print. Sometimes its in red font, but it doesn't matter to you, guess what, what they don't know is that you are working out. Okay? Time for a good solid, ITBS stretch. Cross the opposite leg over the knee of the other and lean forward and to the opposite knee, stretching your ITBS and piriformis, and gluteius medius. This reading of the day thing goes on for 10-12 minutes. So, hold the strectches for 5-6 minutes a piece. When you get out of this horror and go home, you'll be good to go for a long run, and not have to waste 15 more minutes of your valuable time stretching. The key here is don't get busted by leaning to far foward to your wife or neighbor next to you. Most catholic spouses, if they caught you doing this, you will get a sharp, painful elbow jab to the gut. So be discrete.
The rest of the mass, 30 minutes of it, is a sit up and down thing, ideal for squating and hack squating using the weight of your younger children. This is kind of dangerous, what I call, Mass Squats, lifting and holding each of the younger children, with as little arm lifting as possible, using my glutes and hamstrings, from the pew, up and all the way back down with my legs.
By the time, you get to the "shake everybody's hands" peace be with you part of the mass, you've had a pretty good strectching session and minor workout.
Remember church doesn't have to be a waste of time for you, in your training.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
Running with Sherpas Can't Post
I was raised with Sherpas, I have trained them well for running, biking and swimming. Unlike dogs and tigers, they are people. I am almost sure when I run or bike with them that they won't attack anyone, unless someone of course is trying to steal my protein bars and hammer gels and or other equipment from them, as they follow behind me, lugging my equipment. They help me out. They bring my Endurox, Advils, Caffeine, bike equipment, supplemental oxygen and GPS monitors where ever I go. I have a right to run or bike with them. Just don't get in the way of our "train." Yesterday, Sherpa Longhi Tar ran behind me for fifteen miles with our Pose Method Leg ropes, from base camp. It was a long ordeal and walk back to base camp after that.
I have a right to run and bike with Sherpas. This is not prohibited by the USTA.
I can assure you that they won't hurt you. They NEVER bite. This feeling that a human is more valuable than a Sherpa is just plain silly. People who are afraid of Sherpas should get over it.
My Sherpas love to run and romp , it makes them so happy, they are more important to me than anyone other than my family.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
Flip Turns [In reply to] Can't Post
re "flip turns," every one of mine is just a little bit different, especially after about the nineth or tenth lap. The worst ones, are when the lanes are full, and you miss the flip, nothing like finding some dignified composure, after that, sometimes it will be so bad, I'll just quit the whole interval on that one; or going to deep, and breathing out to fast, where you have to come up for air like a submarine to the surface, from the bottom. I call this one, "Das Boot."
Others, in ranking of pain and injury:
1. A Stone Cold Steve Austin---a flip turn in which you come to far into the wall and scrape your head or hit it [your head] straight dead on, before or during the flip.
2. The Achilles Heel---a flip turn in which you come to far to the wall, and on the flip one or both heels, or ankles, hit the side edge of the pool.
3. The Das Boot---see above, a flip turn in which the push off is far too deep in the water, and you are out of air, and come to the surface like a damaged submarine.
4. A one legger---an unbalanced push off, after the flip, where only one leg correctly gets square on the pad for push off.
5. A "whiffer"---a flip turn in which you completely miss judge the pool wall for flip and push off.
6. A "glancer" is same as above, you have mistimed your flip too soon, and you just barely scrape the wall with the bottom of your foot or feet, and are unable to push off.
7. A "bloody glancer"---see #6, except this time, the scrape causes the loss of toe skin or bottom of foot skin.
8. A "bad twister popper"---a unbalanced flip turn in which you start the twist too soon after the push off, contorting your feet and knees on the wall, and when you push off you hear your knees "pop."
9. A "bad gulper"---occurs, when before the flip turn, you gulp in as much air as possible for the long deprivation needed, but you sucked in some water, too, and you start coughing or screw up the flip turn. A bad gulper, can be the cause of a whiffer, a bad twister popper, or a one legger, or a bloody glancer.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
Dan, I've Been There. [In reply to] Can't Post
This exact thing happened to me. I couldn't figure out what was causing the problems. Eventually, my upper back, shoulder and neck pain developed into pain plus spasms. I was unable to run. Heck, I was unable to sit down or get out of a car. My condition became progressively more painful and worse. Eventually, I was forced to buy one of those four legged walkers we see some of our gallant senior citizens use. I thought it was the beginnings of MS, or something, even worse. I refused to go to the doctor to discover the truth.
Then, one day, as I hobbled out to the mailbox, I saw my neighbor's child holding something in his hand. He was about 12 or 13. I had seen him before in my garage looking at my new $8900 Trek Time Trial bike. I thought then, he had the mischevious look of a young kid who wanted to steal it. At any rate, back out at the mailbox, as I reached in to retrieve my mail, he said "Sir, if you give me that bike, the pain stops."
I said "what the hell are you talking about kid?" And as I looked at him, he slowly opened up his hand, and it was a doll of me, with the clothes I wear, face, everything. Unbelievable. In the back of the doll, were pins and needles stuck deep into my shoulder and back and neck. He began to remove them and place them in and out of back, the alternating pains and releases in my body made me a firm believer and convert into the validity of voodism, right there.
Cutting the story short, that Trek Time Trial bike is his bike now.
His family moved a few years ago, might want to look around the neighborhood.
Just kidding. Heck, it's probably a pinched nerve.
Sincerely,
Booth Rand
boothrand@sbcglobal.net
"Bring it on, God!"
--- Al Bundy
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