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Ignatius J. Reilly
(68.19.123.161) on 8/29/2003 - 8:12 a.m. says: ( 9 views
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"The Trojan War"
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(EDITED BY AUTHOR: 8/29/2003 - 8:15 a.m.) AUBURN v. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
It is quite busy here at IJR Rants, Schemes, and Ploys, LLC. There is no time for the traditional game preview. I personally do not have time for an in-depth game analysis, and the staff (the faithful Stooges) are not yet trained in the intricacies of ranting, scheming, etc. Fortunately, our Levy Pants stocks have been performing admirably during the recent economic uptick, and we have funds to subcontract our pre-game take. Originally, I had hoped to convince alumni from each school to provide a guest prediction. Unfortunately, everyone in California has an agent and would agree to appear only through their authorized representatives. This sparked an idea. Given my contacts in the legal profession, I decided to call a couple of lawyers, both of whom have connections to USC's storied football past.
REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD
 
MARSHA CLARK SAYS:
Auburn will win. The size of the Auburn offensive line and its unprecedented depth at running back will eventually wear down the very fast, but slightly undersized, Trojan defense. When the Men of Troy have the ball, Newbie QB Matt Leinart will find Jordan-Hare Stadium a most inhospitable place to be taking his initial college snaps. It is true that Leinart has enviable targets for his passes. Mike Williams is better than most NFL receivers right now. Unfortunately, Leinart will have problems locating Williams and Keary Colbert while looking out of the earhole of his helmet. The Trojan O-line was stout last year and returns 80% of its starters, but the combination of some pre-season injuries to key members and inexperience in the backfield will stifle a running game that was largely ineffectual against Auburn last year. The Tigers will then dismantle a one-dimensional Trojan attack.
Tigers 21, Trojans 14
JOHNNY COCHRAN SAYS:
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. The Trojans were the best team in the nation at the end of last season, capable of beating either Ohio State or Miami easily. The loss of Heisman winner Carson Palmer (note to self -- buy something nice for Carson; charge to client development budget) notwithstanding, the Trojans return a vaunted offensive line, unparalleled receivers, and almost all of a defensive unit that shut down an Iowa offense that was better than this Auburn offense ever thought about being. The Men of Troy want Auburn to bring the running game on: remember how well that worked in the second half last year?
The verdict is: If Campbell can't pass, the Trojans will kick your ass.
USC 16, Auburn 13
Editors Note: I like Marsha. No way she gets that bad a jury twice in a row. War Eagle.
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